Eleven Years Ago Today

I'm not sure how it's possible, but 11 years ago today I was welcoming my first daughter, Zoe Elizabeth, into this crazy world. It doesn't seem that enough time has passed that that tiny, perfect, howling infant could have become the extraordinary young lady that lives in my house today. Not being an equal-opportunity lover of children, I worried a lot about whether I would end up with a kid that I liked. I mean, I knew I'd love her, because that's how we're built, but I wondered if she'd be the kind of child I actually liked or the kind of child I tolerated. Of course I didn't have a clue that the baby I bore would end up being the most amazing creature I've ever met.

I got very, very lucky.

But the time is passing so quickly. Already she's becoming more independent every day. I am only starting to fully understand that in less time than I've already had with her, she'll be grown and on her own. It's a cruel and beautiful fact of life. Before we know it, she'll be out there taking on the world. Remind me then that I need to let her do it on her own terms and not on mine. I can't wait to see how she does it.

Happy Birthday, Zoe.

Just a Quickie

This is just a quick post to get the other one off the "front page" so to speak.

Things are looking up since my last post, for sure. All that yuckiness coming together at once inspired me to finally get some long-procrastinated labs done and it turns out my thyroid was all whacked again. The good news is I know now and am working on it. I haven't lost a miracle 60 pounds in 3 weeks, but I don't feel like complete crap, so things are looking up.

But enough of that.

I must have something else to write about. Really. . . No, really. . .

Well, whatever it was, I forgot!

Broken

WARNING: This post has been written for MY catharsis (and potential clarity) not for your entertainment. If you have a problem with oversharing, this is not the entry for you. Seriously. This entry is not about my kids (who are great, by the way--funny, talented, sensitive and wonderful in so many ways) and it's not about my husband (who is really getting a raw deal right now--don't think I don't know it). This is ALL ABOUT ME. And it's not pretty.

Okay then.

I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm broken. In fact, I'm broken in so many different ways, if I were a major home appliance--a refrigerator or a washing machine--the only reasonable choice would be to replace me with a new, fully functioning model. In the interest of working through some of this "stuff" and trying to figure out where to go from here, I'm going to list all the ways I'm completely messed up right now. Then we'll see what conclusions we can draw. Because, really, nothing's more interesting than an overweight middle age woman airing her troubles online, right? CRAP. What a mess!

Here we go. . .

Weight
So yeah. This really is the elephant in the room.(I'll wait a second while you work out your own punchline.)I've gained some weight. Okay. I've gained lot of weight. In fact, I've gained back every single pound I lost five years ago, plus about 15 more. AWESOME. I'm officially a statistic in the war on obesity and it sucks more than you know. It's not because I'm ignorant. It's not for lack of trying to eat healthful foods and exercise (although, as the number on the scale has gone up, I've become less and less likely to get in consistent daily activity). I'm not one of those people who binges on all kinds of weird foods or hides candy bars around my house. I'm not sneaking out for fast food when nobody's paying attention. In fact, I eat relatively well, compared to the average American. I'd estimate that over the course of the past five years, as I've been consistently gaining weight, at least 50% of the time I've been consciously committed to trying to lose weight. The other 50% of the time I've been consciously committed to ignoring the problem because I've gotten frustrated and given up. In a nutshell: I understand the math of weight loss. I understand nutrition. But for some reason this whole thing is out of my control in ways I do not understand.

General Health
I've got a couple of health issues, and (surprise!) they're likely all related to my weight. I take a thyroid medication that I've taken since I was 15. I take a blood pressure medication. I was seriously anemic last March, and I've taken iron since then. I was also vitamin D deficient in March, and I've been taking vitamin D as well. It's very likely my cholesterol is high. I have lab requests for follow up tests, but I haven't taken them. I keep thinking I'll wait until my weight is under control. I realize how ridiculous that is, but if I get the tests, some result or other is going to require that I go in to talk to the doctor or physician assistant, and they'll weigh me. And they'll see that I've gained more weight. It's humiliating. So rather than face the humiliation, I avoid it altogether. Excellent plan, right? Yes, I thought so.

I've also developed a new problem pretty much out of the blue. I've been wheezing a little bit. Is this also related to weight? Probably. It seems like everything is. Have I mentioned how much this sucks?

For the past year and a half I've had significant pain in one or both feet, but it has changed over time. I haven't gone to a foot doctor because I'm pretty sure I know what they'll tell me: My feet hurt because I'm fat. Lose some weight. Sigh.

And there's the weird thing with my hand numbness. This has been going on for at least 5 years with ebbs and flows along the way. Sometimes one or both hands go numb for no reason. I stopped learning guitar because of it and I ultimately gave up playing the clarinet as well. I've mentioned it to my doctors but nobody has a clue what it is. My best guess? A pinched nerve due to my weight. Blargh.

On the plus side, the blood pressure medication I'm on seems to control my migraines; I haven't had one in several years. But I've also read that "numbness and tingling in the extremities" could be a side effect of this medication. Coincidence? Who knows.

Sleep Problems
I've always walked and talked in my sleep. Not every night, but frequently--with more talking than walking (hmmmmm that sounds about like my waking life, too). Over the past couple of years I've started waking up in the night startled and afraid of some nonspecific threat. Actually, the threat is specific, but it's always just outside my understanding. Often, when I wake up like this, I'm drenched in sweat as well. It takes me a good while to realize I'm not in danger, and it's sometimes difficult to get back to sleep. These events leave me feeling very, very alone and sometimes questioning my degree of sanity. I've tried to research what could be causing them and I've come up with anxiety, pre-menopausal hormone changes, or, sleep apnea--which would most likely be caused by excessive weight.

The sleep problems are significant in another way, too. Davy has always had insomnia and there is literally nothing he hates more than being awakened in the night. If I don't wake him up, I lie there in our shared bed feeling scared, abandoned, and completely alone. If I do wake him up, I lie there feeling guilty and pathetic. And unfortunately, as the events have escalated, I wake him up more and more often--not for comfort, but as part of the actual event. Last night I grabbed him and told him to get up RIGHT NOW because it was clear to me that we had to get our of our room immediately. I pretty much scared the crap out of him. It left us both feeling angry, frustrated, and tired. And I lay there for hours thinking about how this is SO not what he signed up for 20 years ago. Shit like this is hard on a marriage. . . even a relatively good one.

Social Stuff
And then there's my social life. YES, I spend a ridiculous amount of time on the computer. Thank you all for pointing it out. You think I don't know this? When I have work, I work by myself at home ON THE COMPUTER all day long. Facebook is my lifeline. For better or for worse, it's what connects to the rest of the world. Fortunately or unfortunately, it also allows me to interact with people without having to get dressed and go out into the world. Because guess what. My clothes don't fit. And those that do fit look like crap. I HATE the way I look and feel right now. If I stick close to home or only go the places I can go in my workout clothes, I don't have to think about how crappy I feel about how I look. So yes, if you get the feeling I've been avoiding you lately, you're probably right. I'd rather stay home and pretend everything's okay than go out into the world and admit that it's not.

That's probably one reason I've felt less and less connected to my closest friends over the past year or so. In addition to that, our children have all reached the age where their social calendars take precedence over ours, so we make less time for one another. But it's even more than that. I feel a certain obligation to be "fun" and "entertaining" with my friends. I am also often "helpful." Right now I'm none of those things, so I seem to have lost my footing with my primary social group. That's a bitch.

In Conclusion. . .
1. I need to lose weight. I'm clear on that. But I've been clear on that for several years and look where that's gotten me. So what now? I lost all this weight before, but I couldn't maintain it. And I don't think I could do it again anyway. I'm at an impasse here and I don't know the answer.

2. I need to buck up and see a doctor about all these niggling health things. But which doctor or doctors? And how do I get them to look at the whole spectrum of what's going on and not just prescribe me an antidepressant and a sleeping pill. Because I don't want to medicate myself. I want to fix these things For Real. I'm only 42 years old, for god sake.

3. I need to lay off the online social networking and reconnect with people in real life. But that seems so hard. It's easy to be witty and entertaining in 200 characters. Entire conversations in which I don't piss anyone off or get my currently over-sensitive feelings hurt? They're a far bigger challenge. And I can't have them in my pajamas.

So I need to come up with a plan. Or I can ignore it all for a few more months, pretend everything is just fine (because. . . most everything IS just fine), and do nothing. Because that totally seems to be working for me.

The end.

The Texas SBOE's Historic Revision of History*

Over the past few months, I have found myself involved in many discussions about the Texas State Board of Education and their ridiculous new social studies standards. They are making headlines across the country, and countless friends and acquaintances from outside Texas have e-mailed me asking my opinion--not so much because of what I do for a living, but because I live in Texas, which makes me a part of this travesty, I suppose.

And my official opinion is. . . the whole thing sucks. Besides being politically slanted and backwards, the new standards are so long and specific and unwieldy as to be almost useless. I pity the teachers and administrators who have to sort them out. And I really feel for the poor writers who have to figure out how to create workable materials for Texas classrooms.

I've written and edited textbooks and other educational materials for all the major American publishers for the past 18 years. Lucky for me, I do very little social studies work, and when I do it's elementary social studies. I've refused to dive into the treacherous world of "history" for good reason--it's a trap!!

I know how textbooks are developed. I have lived the process--from development of the initial scope and sequence to watching the fold-and-gathers come out the birthing end of a big machine that I don't know the name of--more times than I can count. But mainly I'm in the trenches of content development. I'm one of many who sit at a desk covered with lists of standards from the "important" states and try to figure out how they can be caressed and coddled to correlate with content and instruction and whatever buzz words the marketing people heard at the last big educational conference. Despite what many people believe, we try to do it in a way that makes some kind of sense and in a way that makes the content interesting to kids. Unfortunately, we often don't succeed. The sad truth is that as states produce longer and longer lists of standards that must be met in order for materials to be eligible for purchase, the development of cohesive and meaningful content becomes almost impossible.

In traditional educational publishing, the biggest markets (CA, FL, TX) drive the development of textbooks that are sold across the country because publishers can't afford to publish special editions for every single state. Because of this, the TX standards potentially play a big role in the development of textbooks that are used in other states. This is why the standards in Texas are big news. Well, that and the fact that the people who determine Texas standards are apparently a bunch of nutballs.

So, it makes for very big headlines when our SBOE does something as boneheaded as passing these newly revised social studies standards. I'm embarrassed to see my home state cast in such a negative light (but, sadly, I'm getting used to it). I'm embarrassed by the ignorance and intolerance demonstrated by people who supposedly "represent" me. But I don't believe that the new standards will change much of anything.

Although niche publishers might try to sell some books by publishing "crazy" history that strongly reflects SBOE members' attempts to re-whitewash history, the big publishers will continue to produce materials that teach history as fairly as possible, because even though Texas may drive the content, they still have to sell the books in other states to make their investment back. Writers have ways of meeting silly standards with carefully worded paragraphs in call-out boxes or in the teacher's edition, leaving the actual content intact.

But the real question is whether the publishers are even going to bother with Texas' new social studies standards. Over the past year, publishers have been scrambling to produce books to meet Texas' convoluted new science standards. You remember those; they made headlines last year. But just last week the Texas legislature decided to postpone adoption and purchase of new science textbooks for at least two years. This means that all the money publishers spent deciphering the science standards and developing materials to meet them is lost for now.

Publishers are, above all, businesses. They're not going to continue to invest untold dollars to develop materials for Texas if Texas isn't going to buy them. This, if nothing else, may save the rest of the US from our ridiculous folly.

But there's even more promising news. The entire educational publishing industry is in flux right now. Schools want to move away from the big, expensive basal textbooks with their shiny boxes of supplementary materials that nobody ever uses. More and more content is being developed to be delivered online and on-demand, allowing teachers to easily customize materials that meet their specific needs on a daily basis. As this becomes more and more common, the great big hardback teach-everything-with-one-book books will be phased out, and content providers will be able to offer content that meets the specific standards of each state. Then Texas' standards will be irrelevant to everyone except for the poor schmucks who make them up. Hallelujah!

None of this makes what's going on in the SBOE okay. For one thing, the system is clearly broken and nobody seems to be moving to fix it. Furthermore, the fact that the new standards are a reflection of the political climate in our state saddens and frightens me. Really, the whole thing is enormously embarrassing. But if you think the standards as they passed are bad, you should have heard some of the stuff they tried to get through that DIDN'T pass. One of the board members actually proposed that we teach children both the "pros and cons" of the Civil Rights Movement. Do you know what the "con" was that this imbecile wanted kids to learn about? The Civil Rights Movement "lead to unrealistic expectations of equality."

That one nearly put me over the edge.

* NB: I'm still processing this whole thing. Opinion subject to change without warning.

Negotiations

If this sounds familiar, it's because I posted the first part of the story on facebook as the events were unfolding. I'm repeating it here because 1) as far as I can tell there's no good way to find past posts on facebook other than scrolling through them all and 2) the story continued last night. So. . .

A couple of weeks ago, Mia (to be known henceforth as "the client") hired Zoe ("the artist") to design and create her birthday invitations. The negotiations were hilarious. The artist offered to do the design for $3, and the client declined. Then the artist said she'd go ahead and design something without setting the price, and if the client liked it, the artist would set her price then. The client saw that for the trap it was and agreed on the artist's original bid of $3. So far so good.

The artist produced a prototype. The client wanted changes. The artist wasn't willing to compromise her vision. The client threatened to fire the artist. The artist quit and went to her room. The client sat on the stairs and cried.

Ultimately, artist and client found common ground. The design was accepted and printed. Payment was made and a cupcake was shared as a sign of goodwill.

I sent the invitations out and had a strong drink.

Well, last night, Mia decided that she wanted the original art work to raffle off as a door prize at her party. Zoe told her that for her original $3 fee, she only relinquished the digital rights to her image. If Mia wanted the original piece, she was going to have to pay for it. "$10!" "No way! I'll give you $1." This went on for some time, with Mia eventually agreeing to pay $5. Mia handed over the money and Zoe handed over the artwork. No cupcakes were consumed. But there was no crying this time, either.

In case you don't know, these children are 10 and (almost) 9. The next few years are going to be interesting for sure.

My People: RIP Lee Mannix

Some time ago, a friend called me to ask whether I knew someone who did something. I can't remember exactly what she wanted. But I remember what she said next: "I was talking to So and So about this, and she said to call Robyn. Robyn has people. She has people for everything."

I laughed, but then I realized it's completely true. I have people, AMAZING people, all around me. Family, friends, neighbors, and countless acquaintances. And I'm extremely loyal to my people--whether they're family members, close friends, or people I pay to help me with something. If someone does a job for me, for example, and they do it well, I'll call them again. And again. And again. I think I take for granted the fact that they'll always be there, because my people always are.

Except they're not. Not at all. This week, I lost one of my people. And I know a lot of others who feel the same way. If you didn't know Lee Mannix, you might think that his personality and his talent have been exaggerated in the obituaries, reports, and articles that started to appear within 24 hours of his death. But I can assure you, they have not. The man was a giant--literally and figuratively. He could be intimidating, because he was enormous. But he also had a twinkle in his eye and a smile that lit up everything around him. Mr. Pink and I took three different classes with Lee, and I never saw a dog who didn't respond to him immediately. For real. He could get a dog to do exactly what he wanted with no tricks or prodding. When Lee was at the other end of the leash, a dog paid attention.

My girls had a great relationship with Lee. They were mesmerized by him. For one thing, he had NO filter whatsoever. The man said exactly what came into his head, regardless of who was nearby. He cussed like a sailor in front of my kids, and they thought it was hilarious. He also told a story like nobody I've ever known. Even if it was complete bullshit (and some of his stories must have been) he told a story like it had biblical significance. And if the story didn't have a lesson, it had a punchline. Zoe and Mia were also floored by his way with dogs. He could be working with a dog on one side of the training ring when his super-Lee sense indicated a dog across the ring was about to get in trouble . Whizzzzzzzzttt. He'd frisbee his hat, or a water bottle, or a chair, across the ring where it would land a few feet from the offending dog, distracting and redirecting the behavior. I never, ever saw him hit an animal, but he was always throwing things at just the right moment and it ALWAYS worked. This blew my girls' orderly little minds. Zoe and Mia spent a week with Lee in a special youth dog-handling camp out on his land last summer. They loved that time with him. I know it was a week they'll never forget.

About six months ago, Lee came to our house to help us work on Mr. Pink's terrible front door manners. He had Pink on a leash in the house, and he had his assistant come ring the doorbell. As soon as the doorbell rang and Pink started to go ape shit, Lee blew a whistle, snatched Pink's leash, opened the door, and handed the leash to the assistant, who immediately walked away with the dog. It only took one time. Pink was quiet as a mouse when the assistant rang the bell again. But I knew it wouldn't last. I was sure that the first time the doorbell rang after Lee left, all the barking, snarling silliness would start again. "Nope," he told me. "That's what the whistle is for. Put them all over the house. When someone rings the bell and Pink starts up, blow a whistle." He said that when Mr. Pink heard the whistle, he'd stop what he was doing and look around to find out "where that Irish asshole is hiding."

I could tell ten more stories like this one. And so can hundreds of people. Just check the Lee Mannix Center for Canine Behavior page on facebook and see for yourself. Reading them makes me laugh and cry. Lee was well aware of the effect he had on dogs, but I wonder if he had any idea what kind of an impact he had on the people around him. I sure never told him. And although I think he knew on a certain level because we all kept coming back for more, I'll bet he would have appreciated knowing exactly how he had impacted our lives.

I can't do anything about Lee. He's gone, as unbelievable as that is. But I can start letting the other people in my life know what I love, appreciate, or respect about them. That's what I'm going to do to remember Lee. That, and love my sweet dog every minute of every day.

We're going to miss you, Lee.

Hmmmm. Let's See.

I haven't posted in forever. What with Facebook as my outlet for "clever" commentary, and the fact that a lot of what I'm thinking about these days isn't fit for public consumption, I just haven't had anything to write about.

Or I've been lazy.

Or both, really.

The girls are healthy and doing great at school. Unfortunately they're reaching an age where they're less than charmed when I post funny stories about them on the internet, so that once-bottomless source of fabulousness has pretty much dried up. (BORING)

I'm struggling to come up with some fitness and nutrition goals that will get me out of this awful weight rut I've been in for the last year and put me on the path toward long-lasting good health and well-being.(SOOOO BORING)

2009 was a seriously slow year in educational publishing--or at least it was for me, so although we're still financially secure, there's not a lot extra for big fun trips to Boston or Europe or a beautiful white-sand beach in the Caribbean. (BORRRRRRRRRING)

So, what does that leave to write about? Politics? Religion? Yo mama? Hahaha. I'll pass on all of the above. At least for now.

Maybe 2010 will be the year that I pack up the old blog and put her away. Or maybe I'll find some inspiration yet. Stay tuned.