WARNING: This post has been written for MY catharsis (and potential clarity) not for your entertainment. If you have a problem with oversharing, this is not the entry for you. Seriously. This entry is not about my kids (who are great, by the way--funny, talented, sensitive and wonderful in so many ways) and it's not about my husband (who is really getting a raw deal right now--don't think I don't know it). This is ALL ABOUT ME. And it's not pretty.
Okay then.
I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm broken. In fact, I'm broken in so many different ways, if I were a major home appliance--a refrigerator or a washing machine--the only reasonable choice would be to replace me with a new, fully functioning model. In the interest of working through some of this "stuff" and trying to figure out where to go from here, I'm going to list all the ways I'm completely messed up right now. Then we'll see what conclusions we can draw. Because, really, nothing's more interesting than an overweight middle age woman airing her troubles online, right? CRAP. What a mess!
Here we go. . .
Weight
So yeah. This really is the elephant in the room.(I'll wait a second while you work out your own punchline.)I've gained some weight. Okay. I've gained lot of weight. In fact, I've gained back every single pound I lost five years ago, plus about 15 more. AWESOME. I'm officially a statistic in the war on obesity and it sucks more than you know. It's not because I'm ignorant. It's not for lack of trying to eat healthful foods and exercise (although, as the number on the scale has gone up, I've become less and less likely to get in consistent daily activity). I'm not one of those people who binges on all kinds of weird foods or hides candy bars around my house. I'm not sneaking out for fast food when nobody's paying attention. In fact, I eat relatively well, compared to the average American. I'd estimate that over the course of the past five years, as I've been consistently gaining weight, at least 50% of the time I've been consciously committed to trying to lose weight. The other 50% of the time I've been consciously committed to ignoring the problem because I've gotten frustrated and given up. In a nutshell: I understand the math of weight loss. I understand nutrition. But for some reason this whole thing is out of my control in ways I do not understand.
General Health
I've got a couple of health issues, and (surprise!) they're likely all related to my weight. I take a thyroid medication that I've taken since I was 15. I take a blood pressure medication. I was seriously anemic last March, and I've taken iron since then. I was also vitamin D deficient in March, and I've been taking vitamin D as well. It's very likely my cholesterol is high. I have lab requests for follow up tests, but I haven't taken them. I keep thinking I'll wait until my weight is under control. I realize how ridiculous that is, but if I get the tests, some result or other is going to require that I go in to talk to the doctor or physician assistant, and they'll weigh me. And they'll see that I've gained more weight. It's humiliating. So rather than face the humiliation, I avoid it altogether. Excellent plan, right? Yes, I thought so.
I've also developed a new problem pretty much out of the blue. I've been wheezing a little bit. Is this also related to weight? Probably. It seems like everything is. Have I mentioned how much this sucks?
For the past year and a half I've had significant pain in one or both feet, but it has changed over time. I haven't gone to a foot doctor because I'm pretty sure I know what they'll tell me: My feet hurt because I'm fat. Lose some weight. Sigh.
And there's the weird thing with my hand numbness. This has been going on for at least 5 years with ebbs and flows along the way. Sometimes one or both hands go numb for no reason. I stopped learning guitar because of it and I ultimately gave up playing the clarinet as well. I've mentioned it to my doctors but nobody has a clue what it is. My best guess? A pinched nerve due to my weight. Blargh.
On the plus side, the blood pressure medication I'm on seems to control my migraines; I haven't had one in several years. But I've also read that "numbness and tingling in the extremities" could be a side effect of this medication. Coincidence? Who knows.
Sleep Problems
I've always walked and talked in my sleep. Not every night, but frequently--with more talking than walking (hmmmmm that sounds about like my waking life, too). Over the past couple of years I've started waking up in the night startled and afraid of some nonspecific threat. Actually, the threat is specific, but it's always just outside my understanding. Often, when I wake up like this, I'm drenched in sweat as well. It takes me a good while to realize I'm not in danger, and it's sometimes difficult to get back to sleep. These events leave me feeling very, very alone and sometimes questioning my degree of sanity. I've tried to research what could be causing them and I've come up with anxiety, pre-menopausal hormone changes, or, sleep apnea--which would most likely be caused by excessive weight.
The sleep problems are significant in another way, too. Davy has always had insomnia and there is literally nothing he hates more than being awakened in the night. If I don't wake him up, I lie there in our shared bed feeling scared, abandoned, and completely alone. If I do wake him up, I lie there feeling guilty and pathetic. And unfortunately, as the events have escalated, I wake him up more and more often--not for comfort, but as part of the actual event. Last night I grabbed him and told him to get up RIGHT NOW because it was clear to me that we had to get our of our room immediately. I pretty much scared the crap out of him. It left us both feeling angry, frustrated, and tired. And I lay there for hours thinking about how this is SO not what he signed up for 20 years ago. Shit like this is hard on a marriage. . . even a relatively good one.
Social Stuff
And then there's my social life. YES, I spend a ridiculous amount of time on the computer. Thank you all for pointing it out. You think I don't know this? When I have work, I work by myself at home ON THE COMPUTER all day long. Facebook is my lifeline. For better or for worse, it's what connects to the rest of the world. Fortunately or unfortunately, it also allows me to interact with people without having to get dressed and go out into the world. Because guess what. My clothes don't fit. And those that do fit look like crap. I HATE the way I look and feel right now. If I stick close to home or only go the places I can go in my workout clothes, I don't have to think about how crappy I feel about how I look. So yes, if you get the feeling I've been avoiding you lately, you're probably right. I'd rather stay home and pretend everything's okay than go out into the world and admit that it's not.
That's probably one reason I've felt less and less connected to my closest friends over the past year or so. In addition to that, our children have all reached the age where their social calendars take precedence over ours, so we make less time for one another. But it's even more than that. I feel a certain obligation to be "fun" and "entertaining" with my friends. I am also often "helpful." Right now I'm none of those things, so I seem to have lost my footing with my primary social group. That's a bitch.
In Conclusion. . .
1. I need to lose weight. I'm clear on that. But I've been clear on that for several years and look where that's gotten me. So what now? I lost all this weight before, but I couldn't maintain it. And I don't think I could do it again anyway. I'm at an impasse here and I don't know the answer.
2. I need to buck up and see a doctor about all these niggling health things. But which doctor or doctors? And how do I get them to look at the whole spectrum of what's going on and not just prescribe me an antidepressant and a sleeping pill. Because I don't want to medicate myself. I want to fix these things For Real. I'm only 42 years old, for god sake.
3. I need to lay off the online social networking and reconnect with people in real life. But that seems so hard. It's easy to be witty and entertaining in 200 characters. Entire conversations in which I don't piss anyone off or get my currently over-sensitive feelings hurt? They're a far bigger challenge. And I can't have them in my pajamas.
So I need to come up with a plan. Or I can ignore it all for a few more months, pretend everything is just fine (because. . . most everything IS just fine), and do nothing. Because that totally seems to be working for me.
The end.
